You can tell me, it’s over, it’s over
Come in Houston
-Tori Amos, Doughnut Song
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Houston, with its freeways, malls and sprawl, reminds me so much of Manila. And today marks the first time that I actually felt a deep sense of nostalgic longing for that monstrous city, which was ‘home’ for a decade, and its streets, where many beautiful and ugly things have happened.
After that emotion-draining, soul-crushing, 6-hour remote sensing marathon class, I am strangely feeling much better. I am hopeful I’ll end December and this year right! 2009 was a horrible sucky year, so 2010 can’t be any worse! And that’s something to look forward to! Exclamation points!
Emo birthday morning. Booooo! It’s kinda like the vicious circle of being in a quicksand and resisting.
When well you know I’d be insane
To ever let that dirty game recapture me
-Fiona Apple, Shadowboxer
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Every time I sit around, I find I’m shot
-Pavement, Summer Babe (Winter Version)
I’m in New York
No need for words now
We sit in silence
You look me in the eye directly
-PJ Harvey and Thom Yorke, This Mess We’re In
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New York was awesome in all the right ways. I will definitely return.
And solving an old problem by creating a new one is not such a bad idea. But it won’t be as serious this time. I am hopeful like PJ Harvey was in NYC!
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When we walked through Little Italy
I saw my reflection
Come right out of your face
-PJ Harvey, Good Fortune
I will agree there is absolutely nothing, nothing more than me
-Pavement, Range Life
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Well, if talking and all those calls for radicalism won’t resolve anything, then I guess complete silence and evasion is the way to go. So, no contact = no fuel for crazy thoughts = no problem = no whining = everybody happy! To use conservation science speak, a “win-win” solution for everyone, or a “small loss-big gain” at least. I guess a year or two would do, and I’m sure it’s enough to make things turn out better later. It worked before in other contexts and I don’t see why it won’t this time. It’s liberating because I don’t actually have to do anything. So yeah, let’s do it!
In other news, I have a new love affair. This time with Pavement, a 90s lo-fi band that influenced perhaps most of today’s indie bands. Awesomeness.
Cut Your Hair
…And Carrot Rope
Shady Lane
Better pass boldly into that other world, in the full glory of some passion, than fade and wither dismally with age.
-James Joyce, The Dead
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And with the profound wisdom coming out of 11 months worth of emo introspection/rationalization/de-rationalization combined with radical thought from critical geographies, I was able to send out this advice to a friend.
And while it is true that we should live by the consequences of our choices, it does not mean that we cannot do anything about things, and that we just passively accept and live out the repercussions of our decisions. No!
Now, if only I could embody this advice and do it myself. But I am getting there! Just a few more inspirations from radical social theory and I will actually do something active. And I won’t be apologizing for it!
And yesterday was salsa night (where I actually salsa-ed horribly with much taller partners) in one of the few cool places here.
And a week ago was a trip to relaxing San Antonio.
So while everyone else is going about their interesting lives (and lovelife), I am stuck here in semi-rural Texas reading and writing about tropical forests, with the heavy mass of an unidentified emoness weighing me down. My goodness, why is it so impossible to move on?
Thank goodness to The Shins (more below) and a wonderful response to a 2-page review that took me six hours to write for lifting my spirits up on a day of November rain (the nth time we hear about this cliched Guns N’ Roses reference, sorry!).
And yes, The Shins is the shit.
But you’ve got too much to wear on your sleeves
It has too much to do with me
But secretly I want to bury in the yard
The gray remains of a friendship scarred
-Kissing the Lipless
This is way beyond my remote concern
Of being condescending
All these squawking birds won’t quit
Building nothing, laying bricks
-Caring is Creepy
Leopold Lesson #1: Ignoring it won’t make it go away. Sorry.
Leopold Lesson #2: Beautiful distractions are temporary. Ugly inflictions are chronic.
Well, things are not really as dramatic as the previous post may imply. But its essential message is still valid and accurate. I just wish I had “balls” and was “man” enough to do something active about it (Apologies for using those deplorably masculinist cliches).
In other news, thank goodness for Daylight Savings Time! I don’t have to regularly wake up before the sun rises again (hopefully). Also, all this academic writing is making my literary well run dry. I need to recharge!
And Halloween was fun! Food!
I understand what I am still too proud to mention
To you
-Fiona Apple, Never is a Promise
On one hand, it is your fault, so you should do something about this. On the other hand, it is also my fault so I should also do something about it. Either way, it should be done soon, preferably before the arrival of finals week (because I do not want to pause long and collapse my shoulders often between academic tasks).
Cold weather is screwing me up. This will go on and on and on but it shouldn’t. Something radical has to happen! Like, actually talking.
